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How to Communicate With Your Ex During the Divorce

Life may not turn out how we want it to be. It’s not even covered with the glitters, sparkles, and unicorn riding in rainbows. Frequently, it is brutal and unforgiving.

The same goes for marriage. It can start from the most romantic story from a well-written fictional book, but it may end with two broken hearts, two broken persons and God forbid, children that will forever be affected with the life-altering decision to split. But, if the latter took place and you are now on your separate ways, living life without the pain of yesterday, how can you possibly even talk to each other?

In this article, we’ll be presenting you the 3R’s of healthy and civil communication with your ex-spouse. You need to take note of the following tips, and no misunderstandings shall occur.  

Reconcile differences and respect it

This is not an easy step towards progress, but this is the most crucial one. There’s nothing more devastating than looking or being reminded of how your love story ended in a whirlwind of lies, heartbreaks, and tears. The key to making communication successful with an ex-spouse is to accept whatever differences you both have and do not let your emotions interfere or add meaning to it. It’ll only complicate the situation.

Respect the relationship even if you have negative feelings towards the other person

This may be tough but keep in mind that for some degree and time in your life, you only had each other to hold on. In cases that you want to talk about your kids or legal things that you need to decide accordingly, always speak to that person in a professional matter.

No name-calling, no strings, and emotions attached. For example, instead of calling him a douchebag, write a correspondence that addresses him as your acquaintance, “Hey Jim, the kids have been talking about when can they visit you and their grandma, please beep me back with your reply to my question. Thank you.” As simple as that.

Reach out for a reason and compromise

Communicating with them is inevitable especially when kids are involved. To minimize the emotional distress the spilled brought to your life, you can opt to reach out to your spouse for specific reasons only.

These instances include when kids are going over there for vacation, kids want to talk to him/her, and other emergency cases such as kids getting sick and you can’t possibly care for them alone and many more.

Don’t drunk-message him and blame him or whatever nonsense is going in over your mind. He is someone you initially shared your life with, but now it’s over. He’s now someone you share the responsibility of raising your kids.

When arguments arise as a result of a goal-oriented communication, talk it out like professionals that are negotiating to reach advantageous results on both sides.

Bringing up the past and lashing out won’t help. Before going way too emotional like “you are such an irresponsible person, or you are never going to be a dad that our kid looks up to” say “So this weekend is not good for you, but you promised the kids, can you keep it and do it for them? They really wanted to see you at that time. If you can’t, would you be kind enough to tell them the reason why?”

Communication between two adults should never be bridged by the kids. It is recommended that whatever concerns or issues you have between each other should be directed to each partner.

Treat each other as distant friends or colleagues with the common goal of easing the tension the past has brought to your lives. Do not blame each other for whatever happened because “it takes two to tango.” Nothing in your married life is a consequence of a decision you both didn’t make.

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Mr. Hutton is a Divorce and Custody Lawyer based out of Round Rock, TX. His background is with child psychology at Arizona State University where he received a B.S. in 2006, and he continued this by working with the Children’s Right’s Clinic at the University of Texas School of Law where he received his J.D. in 2009. Throughout his practice, he has been a strong proponent of utilizing modern technology to improve his practice and the representation of his clients. He currently is the technology chair of CAFA of Travis County and is committed to improving and modernizing the practice of law in Texas. If you have any questions you can contact him at

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